Thinking out loud

New Year's Eve day. Tornado warnings. Downpours. 65 degree weather. St. Louis! Come on, now. Don't be so silly!!

I just got done giving my first born a birthday shopping extravaganza. Or as much as a middle class family on a sensible budget can afford. She and I have such an unusual relationship. A good one, don't get me wrong, but more like sisters than mother/daughter. We had such a good time. I really do love being a mom and I try to balance being the wacky fun mom with being the responsible disciplinarian.

My husband came home early. He's sleeping. He hasn't been sleeping much. He and his girlfriend broke up this week. It was really hard for the two of them to balance their relationship within our dynamic. I asked if there was anything that could be done? Could they just keep it casual then? Start over? Go slower? They went from nice to meet you to committed relationship quickly. Could they try again? I like her. I know it wasn't easy for her to date a married man with children. I just wish there was something that could be done. BUt that's up to them, not me. All I can do is listen when he needs to talk.

A friend asked the other day if my husband and I still had sex. Perhaps because I don't talk about our sex life on the blog. Interesting. I think it's because that's something I want to keep close to me. Look, I don't get it either. These feelings, ideas, moods? I used to question and try to break them down and analyze. Now I just say ok. That's me. I'm quirky. Tra la la!

But yes, we have sex. Really good sex. No complaints whatsoever.

So why need The Rabbit? Why have a boyfriend if I'm so happy with my husband? Rabbit is opposite of my husband in every single way. He's extremely romantic, super cuddly, VERY wild/kinky and into things my husband is not. My husband and I sit and have long talks about every single subject. Rabbit and I have short and wacky conversations about music and we make up characters and speak in strange accents, and dance around the kitchen and act like loons. The Rabbit keeps me young. My husband keeps me balanced.

Don't we wish we could combine people to make one perfect person just for us? Based on our needs? But our needs change as we age. Or as life alters our view. Thankfully my husband and I have been able to age well together. We met as poly. We went into our relationship with it being open. We married under much different rules than most. For him to see me in love with him and another man is not new. It's new as we are now, as 40 year olds. But it's not like 14 years later I said SURPRISE! I want to fuck other guys! Deal with it, sucka!! I know some people look at us and wonder how my husband can stand this. They just don't realize it's how we've always been, with the exception of the period of time when we were having babies.

The Rabbit is now a part of our family. His choice. Our choice. He is also a man who doesn't fit well into traditional dynamics. The ultimate woman for him HAS to be strong. He's moody. He's unpredictable. You have to know when to back off, or when to proceed. When to push. When to let go. I've learned that. I feel him. When I am with him, I feel who he is. I've learned how to be the best girlfriend I can be to him. And he knows it. He recognizes this is one of those once in a lifetime extremely special situations.

So much to say, but I'm dizzy. This weather is messing with my sinuses. Better go rest up before the big NEw Year's celebrations tonight.

So OUT I'm IN

I wrote about our first poly Xmas on the Collection Blog. Please note I am not paid to write here or there. I am attempting to show that alt lifestyles and poly aren't dirty and awful and OH MY GOD THE CHILDREN! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN! Go read and see that THE CHILDREN had the best Christmas evah cuz they are so damn loved.

Oh lordy lordy. I am so out now. So so out with my poly-tastical ways. It's nice. I likey. I am only hidden from my fam and I think they are catching on. I always wonder what do people who don't know really suspect? I found out today!

My gym has fantastic babysitting. The girls who run the childcare are young, energetic, and so caring. They've been to our home. One gave my daughter a bike. The other comes to babysit here on occasion.

We did not tell them about our poly status because at the time we were closeted. They follow me on Facebook, so they learned when I came out. Before that, they wondered. Today I found out they did talk and ask each other questions. "Is Rabbit her... boyfriend??" "No, he's just a good friend of the family."

Then one night my hub and I went to a tattoo convention. We hired one of the childcare girls to watch our children in our home. I was dressed to show my tats and looking kinda pin up. Rabbit was waiting at our place when we got home. I got out of the car and his eyes got wide. He loooooves that look. Tats, piercings, the dark hair, the sexy pin up flirty look. He can't get enough of that. Seriously, if my tats are covered during sex, he asks I uncover. He gets aroused just checking me out. Oh that's not flattering one bit, heh.

We walked into the house and he was obviously checking me out. Then he started to stroke my back. He pulled me to him, hugging me longer than a casual friend would. I quickly sat on the couch and he sat by me and put his arm around me and said, "You look amazing." Our sitter was right there. I was thinking.. ok! Cat is out of the bag! She was cool about it. Hung out for a bit and chatted with us.

Shortly thereafter I came out on Facebook. I worried the childcare girls would be a casualty. Both are religious and trust me, I see nothing wrong with that. I know there are good Christians out there. They are the ones who do good deeds quietly. It's the nut jobs that scream the loudest and act like loons and turn people off to religion. Thankfully both ladies accepted us.

Today at the gym they asked questions about our situation. How does it work? Jealousy? Scheduling? How did you tell the girls? The typical questions. I answered each one honestly and thoroughly. Their reaction? "We've been in your home. You guys are such good parents. I mean, your home is totally normal. You guys are such good people."

Again, why I came out. Why I blog. Why I want to become extremely public. I know there are risks. Trust me, I know this. But I also think I'm the perfect person to put my face out there as a poly representative. We ARE good people. We are pretty damn normal people. We are just living life according to our rules.

Whew, I am tired. Christmas was as it is to most people- tiring! My daughter's Bday was the next day. Another daughter's Bday is NYE. Then MY 40th is the 7th. Much celebrating is left. Hopefully this old gal can keep up!

Is this real life? Is this just fantasy?

Thanks so much for reading this blog! I don't know who is out there. I don't check stats here. I publish the link on Twitter and on my Collection blog. I know some people I am friends with come here occasionally. Otherwise, I write this completely 100 percent for me. As someone who has blogged almost all of her adult life, I have a good idea how this works. I'm a stats whore. I know my demographic. I study stats and sometimes tailor posts for my readers to give them what they crave. This blog? Nope. Me. All mine. Therapy.

HOWEVER- Confession- I love that you are reading this. I am an exhibitionist and altho this IS for me, I get off on the fact that you are here and come back for more. Purrr and MEOW to you!

SO you read that the other night the young boy toy (boyfriend whom I love but we both get excited by calling him a boy toy) had a let's pretend we're married night. If the married couple are a bunch of cum whores. I say that with complete respect for cum whores. Cum whores need love, too. Shouldn't everyone be a cum whore? Who doesn't love a big ol throbbing orgasm?

(Thought. Someone from my online world asked if I talk the way I write. If we hung out and had coffee, would I tell stories in person the way I do here on the blog? I replied, "Fucking take me out for coffee and find out, foo!" Guess they got their answer. I am socially appropriate. A lady when required. A freak when not. Raunch with class and humor. Does anyone wonder why I adore the legendary Mae West so much? If you don't know her, GOOGLE!!)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so back to my original (?) train of thought? My trains of thought are always derailing. We had the married night that ended with violent sex. Then Rabbit switched it up and had me to his place for a typical date a young bachelor night. Video games, takeout, and makeout. It ended in bed, of course. We always end up with him inside one part of me or another.

I've talked to Rabbit's former lovers. He's consistently good with the sexin. All the ladies look back on their lovin fondly. Maybe not so much in how he handled their relationships. But the sex? Let's just say each one got a faraway look in her eyes, then closed them, then sighed, and did a little squirm and replied, "Oh yeah he's good. VERY good."



Know what I find so very cool? His mom is proud of that fact. She gave him a how to make love book when he was younger. She wanted her son to know how to please a woman. Now THAT is a mom! I've told her how he makes me swoon in the sheets. Any ladies reading this and laughing as you picture telling your MIL or boyfriend's mother that he makes you see stars during sex? She's an awesome mama.

So another dizzying night with The Rabbit. Just when I think we're done and he's ready to pass out, he will grab me and demand more. The whole time he is looking me deep in the eyes and telling me I am all his. That he's mine. That he can't live without me. The Rabbit doesn't go long (even when not having sex) without telling me he loves me. He wakes up in the middle of the night and will pull me to him and tell me he loves me. He is always holding me, hugging me, nuzzling me, whispering to me, texting me, emailing me, FB messaging me that he loves me. He is a cuddle slut. He likes to curl up in my arms or hold me and tell me how happy he is because we are together.

I knew, I said, I FELT that this would be the most intense relationship of my life. I really care about him. So so much. No matter what happens to us, I will always look back on this time with amazement that I found someone who just as over the top passionate, dramatic, romantic, and sexual as I am. No matter what happens to us as partners and lovers, we will always remain friends. I really care about that man so very much.

What a great way to end the last year of my Dirty 30s!

Mrs. Rabbit

Oh look. Another post about sex. Or if you are someone who doesn't like sex, don't look. Or maybe just look within to find out what the hell is wrong with you!

Saturday night, The Rabbit and I had the place to ourselves. Kids were off with Dad at Nora's house for the night. The RAbbit thought it would be fun to cook a meal and bake dessert. I thought it would be fun to do so dressed as a 50s pinup, complete with frilly apron. THe Rabbit was impressed. He's into my tattoos and thought they looked hot juxtaposed against the innocence of the 50s housewife look and couldn't keep his hands off me as I attempted to cook.

I told him it was ok. We were having a fantasy night. We could pretend we were newlyweds and be over the top romantic and then fuck all night. He called me Mrs. (His last name) and told me what an amazing wife I was. We got into character, him being the in charge husband and me being the submissive and sweet life.

Rabbit got turned on and demanded I take off my pants. He then leaned me over the stove, grabbed a spatula, and began spanking me. That revved him up even more, and he demanded I get on top of the stove and sprawl out so he could feast on me as an appetizer. The Rabbit has incredible oral skills. Actually, he's skilled at Anything Sexual.

A buzzer dinged. Ingredients needed to be added. Items needed to be taken out of the oven and other dishes put in. THe Rabbit watched as I tried to cook, my mind and body way too distracted and wanting more. He grabbed my hand and took me into the sitting room, which was lit by red Christmas lights. Red light, red couches. QUite the sexy scene. He once again demanded I spread my legs for him and lean back and just enjoy.

I don't know how much time passed. I left my body a few times. Unreal. Un-freakin-real. He'd stop, check on the oven, come back and get back to work. It was pure bliss.

We eventually paused long enough to enjoy our cooking, and the meal was surprisingly tasty, considering we were pretty half assed with the preparation. He started back in on me as his wife, saying what a good cook his wife was and how I take such great care of him. We began kissing, with him telling me how much he loved me and didn't want to be without me. That got us both going again, of course.

We raced upstairs to continue in the bedroom. The Rabbit was once again fired up as he pushed me back onto the bed, clamped his hand over my mouth, tore off my clothes and fucked me hard. "You are mine!" he hissed into my ear. He grabbed a fist full of hair and tugged hard and said through clenched teeth, "I love how I can take you whenever I want you." He slammed into me, biting my ear, then clamping his hand over my mouth again. "Shhhh," he warned, "I don't want anyone to hear us."

Considering we were all alone, that statement was extremely over the top sexy to me. Rabbit was off in another fantasy. He was taking me whether I wanted him or not. That added an extra oomph to an already charged situation. I began to play struggle from his grasp. Writhing, Moaning no no no no no please stop. Which made Rabbit hold me down and fuck me harder. He was so crazy turned on and moved his hand from my mouth so he could hear me moaning. After a moment he then pulled me into his arms and held me and rocked me, telling me how much he loved me and that I was safe.

We listened to music, staring into each others eyes and just saying we loved one another over and over again. I wanted over the top, I got over the top. We'd pause a moment to be googley eyed and in love, start kissing, and end up fucking.

"You are the most insatiable woman I've ever known," he said in awe. I smiled and stroked his curls and replied, "So are you." We both stared a moment before busting up laughing. "Yes,' he said with mock seriousness, "I am an insatiable woman."

I then tried to climb over him to get to the other side of the bed. He grabbed me and pulled me down on his once again hard cock. The boy can go go go go go go. I tried to protest, but Rabbit held me down on top of him by my shoulders. "Oh no you don't. I can fuck you whenever I want."

Yes Rabbit, you fucking brat, yes you can. And he did. And we did. For six hours straight. Another hot night we can add to a memory book overflowing with hot nights.

Afternoon Delight With The Rabbit

A SEX POST! ABOUT SEX! So if you know The Rabbit in person and a play by play post about his quivering naughty bits freaks you out, well perhaps this isn't the right blog post for you at this time. Considered yourself warned, Friends and loved ones!! Charlotte is dishing some dirt. With Rabbit's permission, mind you. I don't fuck and tell without permission.

Rabbit and I are at that cozy stage AND it's freaking freezing in St. Louis right now. We pitter patter about the apartment in our fuzzy robes and wooly socks. We have a little routine. We make coffee. We make our breakfast wraps. Peanut butter, chocolate chip and bacon rolled up in a wheat wrap. He reads the news on his phone. I wander upstairs and take care of Collection Blog business or answer client emails. So relationship-y. It's nice.

But today I wasn't feeling the house frau vibe. I showered, got made up, and slipped into a take on the naughty school girl look. I have a nightie that I found in the teen section of a generic discount store. It looks like something a high school slut would wear to seduce her teacher. I added frilly black unders and high heels that tie with little black bows. Donned a red robe and sauntered in to present myself to my man.

The Rabbit, being the Rabbit, noticed and appreciated at full attention. Rabbit also being Rabbit was not going to let me take charge. Not this time. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bedroom. He then grabbed the back of my hair, tugged, and pushed me down onto the bed, where he discovered the frilly panties. "You're wearing panties, you cunt!" he growled. "Now pull them to the side so I can fuck you."

And he did. While stopping to smack my ass or pull my hair or say in his deep seductive voice that I'm his. All his.

I'm a person who is in charge of everything. Overscheduled and totally in control. Sometimes girls like me like to be taken over. Told what to do. How to act. How to come.

It ended with Rabbit flipping me over, covering my mouth with one hand and yanking my hair with the other. Both of us writhing and moaning and clawing and biting and coming.

Now THAT is how you break the cozy couple cycle. Not that I mind being cozy. This girl needs a little variety!

After we cuddled together, him stroking my hair and telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and adores me. Swoon. THen he said he wanted to shower and tried to get up.

This girl likes variety AND this girl likes more more more more more. I pulled him back down to me. He said, "Is my baby still horny? What am I saying? Of course she is. She's my insatiable little slut." Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Got him??? Will he stay? Can I convince him to go for round two?

This time I pinned Rabbit down. I started whispering in his ear about a certain someone we know. A fantasy scenario involving a mutual friend and a night of decadence that would start at our favorite bar and end at his place.

That did it. Got him! Rabbit was mine! He demanded I ride him and give him play by play details. He chimed in with his own ideas. It was hot. So crazy hot that only moments later, we were both crying out and looking stunned at the same time. Round two. That quickly after round one. And... damn!! A satisfying finish!! The crowd goes wild with applause!!!

So... who was the friend in the fantasy?

I'll leave that up to your imagination.

Diaper Man!

I went to Target for the first time evah with The Rabbit.

Whoop De Shit. Is that what you're thinking?

Wait. Hear me out. We're totally farking in love and we've never been to Target? Or Walmart? Or the grocery store? Have we? Thinking... thinking...

Nope. Weird. Very weird.

On second thought, perhaps we should never go there together again.

The Rabbit has a character called Diaper Man. Diaper Man was created on OK Cupid as a joke profile. It featured an adult male in a diaper who looked pretty dazed. Just google Diaper Man and you'll find him. He's one of the first pics listed.

Diaper man soon found a voice. And isms. Example- NO FREAKY STUFF! JUST DIAPERS! Diaper Man also fancies items placed in his diapers. Like cheeseburgers. There's even a song.

Rabbit and I would stay up late and record Diaper Man rambling on and then text the recordings to our friends. One time we did it from my husband's phone. My husband changed his password.

Diaper Man has been absent for a few weeks, much to my disappointment. Nothing will make me laugh harder than him. I beg and beg, but Rabbit says no. Diaper Man is at a convention. A sci fi convention? So he thought. But he ended up at the adult baby convention on accident and he only packed his sci fi costumes and he's REALLY angry about that.

Then today, Diaper Man showed up at Target.

We were in the baking goods section. It was crowded with people buying their holiday cookie stuffs when Diaper Man began to shout, "DRIED FRUIT! DRIED FRUIT! I LOVE DRIED FRUIT!!!"

The voice sounds like a man who is a bit... slow.... Heads turned. Then people quickly looked away so they didn't appear to be staring at the mentally slow man. Which happened to be The Rabbit. Who looks like (according to my friends) a cross between Eddie Vedder and Johnny Depp.

I quickly escaped that aisle and ended up in the juice section. Diaper Man followed and shouted, "JUICE! JUICE! I LOVE JUICE!!! JUICE IS GOOD!! GIMME JUICE!!!!"

Much of our relationship is spent acting like idiots. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel young and stupid. I need that.

Do I need Diaper Man yelling at the top of his lungs at Target?

Tonight I'll ask how it went at the convention. Friends, check your phones tomorrow morning for audio texts!

Back on the horse, har har har

Point and call me a dorkus. I can't stop saying, "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog."

See, THIS is the problem of not watching television. As in- watching series as they air. We now have streaming Netflix and I am getting caught up on all kinds of shows I missed. I also lurve watching a series at all once, movie style. We are currently tackling Arrested Development and I have never laughed so hard at a TV comedy. The inside jokes. The physical gags. Brilliant.

The downside is that my pop culture references are at least four years out of date.

Eh, it's ok. I'm almost 40. Most of my friends are in their 20s. THey cut me slack for being out of date.

I'm writing this on the day that marks my last month to be in my 30s. I started this blog to chronicle the last year of my Dirty Thirties. I've since taken down most of those posts. They'll be up again in the future. I just don't have the time to re-publish. Honestly, things are moving at too fast of a pace.

Today also marks the day that my vaginal insertion restriction is OVAH! I saw the doc and am Cancer free!! I did learn the cells were more wide-spread that originally thought. Also, more aggressive. As in- I was just a short time away from having full blown Cancer. Luck was on my side. I am truly, truly, grateful.

The thought that I'd leave this planet before my kids...

Let's not go there. I lost my dad when I was a child. I still miss him. STILL. That pain NEVER EVER goes away. I always feel cheated. ALWAYS. I cannot do that to my girls. I know things can't be helped but we CAN get checkups. We can control that. SO GET YOUR PAP, ladies! Get your mammograms! Guys- get all the things you get checked. I don't know which ones. Your parts confuse ladies as much as our parts confuse you.

So of course we had sex! We as in- Rabbit and me!

Doc said go slow. Lubrication, lubrication, lubrication. If you have pain, stop. No slam fucking. He didn't actually say slam fucking. He did say, "Three weeks is a LONG time to go without sex. You probably need relief so just go easy, ok? Next week you can have the deeper penetration sex."

My doc is so damn cool. Oh, I came out to him. He knows we are poly. He knew us before we were practicing poly. Rabbit has come with me to appointments. Rabbit and my husband were there for my surgery. You HAVE to be honest with your medical pros about your sexual status. If they aren't supportive, go elsewhere. You have maintain good sexual health and sometimes that means telling medical people about some of the weird shit you are into. Not that I'm saying poly is weird. Ok, it is to SOME people. But there's multiple partners, so my GYN needed to know.

Funny thing-a nurse is always present because my GYN is male and it's a law she be present??? Whatevs. I was worried her being quiet around me was her being disapproving. Not so. We were alone in the room for a bit today and she asked if I would be offended if she asked me about my situation. How it works, etc. She said, "It's not for me, but I am really in awe of the love I've seen with you and how you guys communicate. Good for you!"

See? Just because it's not YOUR thing, doesn't mean it's a BAD thing. Honestly, once people get to know us and know we are motivated by the greater good of everyone involved, people really do become more accepting of our situation.

Rabbit and I have not had the sexual intercourse in three weeks. We HAVE reaaaally improved our friendship. Our relationship has gone through many changes in six months. From casual players, to insecure freakouts, to being afraid to really open up, to totally opening up and falling hard in love, to a really tight friendship. We took away the sex and focused completely on being buds. Hanging out. Just enjoying being together.

The result is that I want to be Rabbit's friend for life. NO matter what happens. I really really like him and care about what happens to him. I also feel incredibly protective of him. I'm on his side. He's a different kind of person. But so am I. We understand that about each other. There's this fierce protective loyalty that we have now. There's also this intense co-dependence that has formed.

I liken it to an iPhone, notorious for fast battery drainage. We hang out. Then we need our alone time. He goes his way, I go mine. He hangs out at his place. Maybe sees some friends, which he NEEDS TO DO MORE OFTEN! They miss him. He misses them. I am really encouraging him to make time for them more often. AND I want to hang out with them occasionally, too! He has amazing friends. So loyal and so so accepting.

Back to being iPHones. A few hours later, we need recharging and we need it with each other. He comes back over. I run into his arms. He holds me and holds me and holds me. He tells me he loves me over and over. We go upstairs and watch our TV or hang at Flooros (the bathroom) and listen to music.

BUT NOW... now we can HAVE SEX AGAIN!! So we did. And Rabbit was paranoid. "It's like fucking a virgin." Yeah, if porn legend Nina Hartley was a virgin. I don't have half assed sex. What's the point? And today's sex didn't hurt. So we made up for those lost three weeks.

And how about this? It was kind of awkward at first. Like two friends making the transition from just friends to friends with benefits. Weird??? That lasted for a few mins, then we were BACK, babeeee! We were back.

THe Rabbit and I have great sex, no doubt about it.

WOW I rambled. How you doin?

Bawk Bawk!

I'm typing this with the five pounds I gained over Thanksgiving break. My fat is functional AND talented.

My Thanksgiving was one of the best evah. We decided to have a poly family Thanksgiving. Nora hosted at her place. She cooked the entire meal. My husband Rev made the pie. The Rabbit made fudge. Nora has a dance studio in her home and my children had a blast wearing belly dancing jingle jangle skirts and twirling around. Ok fine. *I* had a blast wearing jingle jangle skirts and twirling around.

Nora discovered Darling Niki was alone for the night and invited her over. When the kids left the room to watch Spongebob, Niki showed us some moves from her stripper days. I do not suggest attempting to learn the stripper get down on the floor and spread your legs high in the air while experiencing mashed potato bloat.

Dinner was delish! We joked and laughed and gossiped until my oldest daughter puked up an entire life's worth of food onto her plate. At one point I cupped my hands and she blessed me with her mashed potato bloat. Not the first time, nor will it be the last. Parenthood!

The night ended with frozen mini van doors that wouldn't open and Rabbit's car that wouldn't start. My youngest daughter yelled in a panicked voice, "Oh no! We have to rescue my boyfriend!" Rabbit came home with us and the next day my husband took him to work. What? Is that weird? Don't all husbands make sure their wife's boyfriend gets to work on time?

Collection member J was giving me shit for my last post not being sexual. DOOD! I am now on the final week of a three week vaginal penetration limitation due to a surgical procedure. One that has left me crampy and icky and blehhh. Sex? No. Stay away from my sad vag, please. The whole experience has left me overwhelmed and depressed.

Nora and Rev recognized this, and took the kids to Nora's place for a slumber party. They had pizza and dancing and slept in the dance studio. I stayed home and watched hours and hours and hours of movies. BLISS! Pure bliss. Just me in my fuzzy robe and no one to take care and the biggest problem I had to solve was what chips to eat so I could make it a six pound Thanksgiving weight gain.

Oh yes indeedy. An amazing Thanksgiving weekend experiencing the benefits of spending time with our new chosen family.

We Have The Monopoly

As promised, more about the day to day realities of living poly. Note that the entries in the coming days are going to be less about the sex. BECAUSE I AM NOT HAVING ANY SEX! Stupid vaginal penetration limitation.

A scene from last night.

Picture a sitting room. A lovely sitting room done in wood with huge wooden doors and wood floors and red velvety couches and red curtains. Husband and his gorgeous girlfriend sit on one couch. Rabbit and I sit on the other. On the coffee table between us is St. Louis Monopoly. Just like regular Monopoly but with local streets, attractions, and businesses. Husband's girl lounged across his body. I cuddled closely with Rabbit. We played our game. I could not catch a break. I kept rolling bad numbers. Fuck Monopoly! This game sucks, hahaha.

The youngest woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. I brought her downstairs and she became the dice thrower. She shot like she was playing craps, which cracked me up. I made hot chocolate (for the adults) with whip cream vodka and chocolate liquor topped with whip cream and chocolate shavings. I put some whip cream in a little bowl with a spoon for my little one. We sat together and played our game like the unique little family that we are.

Wow. That's really fucking cozy.

Yup Shore is.

See, it would have been PERFECTION if I hadn't entered the OH SHIT zone. You know when you indulge in party favors? Alcohol, or whatever drug is your choosing? Heck, count caffeine if you want. And you cross over into the zone where you know you are headed into trouble? The room begins to sway. Dinner starts to rise up in your throat. You realize you cannot stand up a second longer or you will fall over.

OH shit.

That's so not like me. I can handle my chemicals. I can out-chemical just about anyone out there. My tolerance is through the roof. What the hell was going on last night??

Please note I DO NOT do any of that in front of my children. I also do not alter my state of mind unless another adult is around to care for the children, should I have one too many glasses of wine or whatever. The little one happened to wake up and I just happened to enter the Oh Shit Zone at the wrong time. Not a problem. Three of the other adults were perfectly fine. Rev is not a drinker.

Rev walked her back upstairs and put her to bed. I sat with Rabbit and calmed down my dizzies. Keep one foot on the floor at all times, even when reclining. That works, right! 20 mins later and I was back to normal with no yarfing involved, yay!

We then decided to play a question/answer game. Husband's girlfriend has sex and non sex question games. Last night we played the sex questions. Kind of tough when you're poly because the questions about cheating or would you have group sex etc etc are like- DUH. The moral questions of what would happen if you became attracted to someone else don't apply. We need to come up with a poly question game!

As we answered, I looked at my husband and Nora. She's elegant. Well spoken. Calm. Mature. Just like my husband. Then I looked at Rabbit and I. We're a mess. We're loud. Chaotic. Mouthy. Stupid. Goofy. They are the good kids. We are the bad kids.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Nora is so together and there I was just this babbling mess. They'd ask a question and seconds later I'd ask, "What was the question?" Good gawd I am so different than Nora. This is why my husband adores her so much. He gets two VERY different ladies in his life. But see the same applies to me. I get two VERY different men.

At one point, Rabbit was asked what surprises him about our relationship. He answered that he keeps finding more and more awesome things about me. Just when he thinks I can't get more awesome, I say something and he goes, "Really? Did she really just say that?" and he gets all impressed and swoony. I said what surprises me about Rabbit is that I'd want to be his friend, even if we didn't have a sexual relationship. I'd want to hang out with him. I'd want to be a close friend and confidant. I really like the guy. He's good for me. He's a goof ball who accepts the fact that I'm a goof ball idiot. He and I are so very much alike.

Nora was tired, so Rev took her home. Rabbit and I went upstairs to the bedroom and watched a ton of Arrested Development on Netflix through the Roku. LOVE THAT SO MUCH! Love Arrested DEvelopment, as I am seeing it for the first time. Love the Roku. Hate DVDs. Hate dealing with DVDs. Does any mom enjoy DVDs? All the previews and the menus and the kids whining because it takes so long. Or one is scratched up and THAT was the one the kids HAD to see. Fuck off DVDs. Streaming entertainment FTW!!

This morning Rabbit headed home to make fudge. Rev made a pie. We are all headed to Nora's for Thanksgiving.

My Understanding Men

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Please Don't Stop The Music

I recently had surgery in my girlie area. What, your feet? That's a girlie area. Girls love shoes! Oh. No? Your hair? Girls love doing their hair. Your purse. You had surgery on your purse. What are you talking about, Charlotte?

Sometimes I channel Rabbit when I speak. I will be cooking and say, "I want to eat the fuck out of these eggs. Yeah, yeah." And my husband will say, "Ok, Rabbit."

Now I'm channeling Rabbit as I write. Isn't it interesting how we take on the isms of those we date?

Right now I'm not taking on any isms. As is jism? Oh my god, I really wrote that. Yes I did. I'll own it! The recent surgery in my girlie area means I'm on a vaginal penetration limitation for THREE WEEKS oh gawd. Three weeks.

We are now one week down. Two very long weeks to go.

Rabbit is a sexy mofo. It's so hard to resist him. It's so hard to be next to him and just make out. Or have some foreplay shenanigans. With Rabbit, it's the size of the wand AND the magic inside. It's the size of the ocean and it's motion. Rabbit is a closer. He's a seducer and he brings it home to mama!

He's a great fuck. OK FINE I SAID IT. I'm owning that one, too!!

Being with Rabbit is getting harder and harder. Hard. I said hard. ACK! Tell me I can't do something and it's ALL I WANT TO DO! It's not easy on Rabbit, either. Sure there are other things we can do. That we do-do. But ehhh... I've never really been a foreplay girl. I know that's SO anti-girl of me. I'm more guy than girl. I likes my intercoursin!

So instead of bonin, we're having nightly music class on my bathroom floor- otherwise known as Flooros. "Where the floor gets lower."

Rabbit will bring over a collection of his favorite music from a particular artist or band he loves. He will then take me through their history and offer trivia and tidbits about the band or the headspace or memories he experienced for those particular songs.

It's win win. I discover music I wouldn't otherwise be exposed to. Which keeps me young. Current. And adds cool new tunage to my rotation. It also gives me more soundtrack selections for my relationship with Rabbit.

Do you do that? Do you soundtrack your life? Songs that sum up a time of your life or an experience or a person you spend time with?

It makes sense. I can't score with Rabbit in the physical sense so I'm scoring our nights with our soundtrack.

The realities of dating poly parents

Yesterday was stressful. The oldest child stayed home from school with the fever/pukes. The youngest children were to be in their first ever school play. How the hell could I be in two places at once?

My mom came to the rescue, offering to watch the oldest child at her place while I went to the play. I went into super frantic mom mode, rushing to get everyone in place, including myself. This is not an easy task, because my mom is the hyper worried type and tends to screw up how to take care of sick kids. She piles a feverish kid with blankets, which just heats them up more. Gives too much or not enough medicine. Feeds a puking kid a sandwich with lettuce. All things I can stand there and ask her nicely not to do. I know she's watching my child for free, but please oh please can you just follow MY directions until I get back?

Of course she did all of the above and snapped at me when I picked up my child. "She is too sick to be out!" Ok but what am I supposed to do? I had to see my little ones in their play.. arrrgggg!! And of course as I walked my child into the house, she puked all over the yard. Lettuce. Of course.

I get my girls into the house and the youngest one sinks to the floor and squeaks out that she doesn't feel well. 103 fever. Her turn! So one girl is dripping with puke and crying. The other girl is starting to cry because she is feverish. The third girl is crying because she saw her sister throw up and it, "scared her out of the crap!"

Which is exactly when my husband called from work, wanting to know if he could go to his girlfriend's house that night to hang out. BUt wait .. she has a class on Monday so I told Rabbit yes to hanging out tonight and he wants to see a movie....

Communication breakdown.

My husband said her class was canceled but it's ok, we can work this out. You go out and she can come over to our place. Huh? What? Hold on! I can't even think right now. Sick kids. Puke mess. Calm the crying. Clean up the mess. Get everyone comfy and happy (?). Oh wait a second. My clients are frantic, needing answers about projects. Let me take care of them and... hold on... someone is crying. And someone else is throwing up... And I need to start dinner. And OF COURSE the dog peed all over the rug.

BRAIN EXPLOSION!!

I gave up at that point. Yes, I wanted to get out of the house for a few hours and get a break and see a movie. But I also knew I would be too worried about the kids to relax. So I sent a text to Rabbit to see if he wouldn't mind just hanging out with me at the house instead.I called my husband and said no really, it's cool. Go to her place tonight.

To Rabbit's credit, he is VERY understanding about last minute plan changes due to kiddo issues. He's dated moms before and I am grateful for those women because they prepared him for MY schedule demands, hah! He came over. My husband put the kids to bed, then left. Rabbit and I sat on the couch and attempted to watch Weeds while pausing the show every five minutes so I could run upstairs and tend to sick kids.

Again, Rabbit was so easy going. He came upstairs to help. The other two had finally fallen asleep. We took the smallest child into bed with us and let her ramble in her feverish state. She said some hilarious things. She said some tender things. "Rabbit, do you want to move in here and live with us forever and ever?" He stroked her hair and answered her questions. It was a sweet moment.

Husband came home at 10pm and took the littlest one and tucked her into bed and fell asleep next to her. Rabbit and I finished our episode of Weeds and then went upstairs and listened to some music and fell asleep.

No, not sexy. Not wild. But THAT is more of what it is like to be poly than the other hot and wild adventures I've written about so far. Communication. Scheduling. Changing plans. Attempting to make it work for everyone involved.

Day to Day Poly Blog?

Feedback from The Collection Blog has been fantastic! I've always wanted to be part of a group blog project and am truly enjoying working with my friends and lovers.

THe one negative that I have personally heard about THe Collection is that people want more information on the day to day life of living poly. What is is REALLY like to have a husband and a boyfriend? For my husband to have a girlfriend? No, really! How does that WORK?

A friend suggested that I open this blog back up again and start documenting the realities of living poly. That way I don't take away space from the other Collection members. The eight of us take turns posting articles and I like to only have one posted per day. My friend's suggestion of using this already established blog as a daily showcase of life in the poly world sounded appealing. In the past I used this blog to document the more... erotic... aspects of poly. I think now I'll do that AND talk about the daily routine, which is never truly routine in my world!

Example: My oldest daughter has the pukies. This morning my husband brought her into our room and tucked her in with me while he took our younger two girls to school. The Rabbit had stayed the night and was getting ready for work. He came out of the bathroom and saw her tucked into bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her head and listened to her talk excitedly about how Christmas is a special time for pug dogs. Perhaps we should call it Merry Snaf-mas? (Since Pugs make snarf snarfle sounds.) I watched him smile at her ideas, then he kissed us goodbye and left for the day.

There is much in poly that is quite sexy! But there is more that is about the actual relationship dynamic within the family. In our situation, Rabbit is a part of our family. We all love him and care for him and enjoy having him around.

I want to talk about that, plus what it's really like to have a younger boyfriend. The benefits are obvious but there are also fears. Insecurities. I want to discuss the reality of knowing one day he will move on and date others. That he has to be free to find what my husband and I have. How that terrifies me, yet I understood going into this what will eventually happen. That if you love someone, you have to set them free cliche cliche yaddas.

Balance. It's a word that comes up over and over again in my head lately. How to find balance? Is it possible??

I'm excited to have this blog as an outlet to discuss these issues. I hope you enjoy reading about them!

Sitting Room

Rabbit worked last night. The plan was for him to go home and get some stuff done. I'd see him the next day at his place as he cleaned and got ready for a movie night party.

About 10pm I was in my jet tub when Rabbit started texting. He missed me. He missed my big cozy bed. I was hoping he'd say he'd be right over. No. He was heading home. Yeah right. It's the RABBIT, hellooooo.

He sent a text that told me I needed to get off. I texted back the question, "What should I do?" He answered, "Open the door."

Rabbit held me by the door, just as he did that morning. Stroking my hair, telling me how beautiful I am. How much he loves me. I heated up some dinner for him. Sat and talked about his day. Then we went into the sitting room where I lit candles and we stared at one another. More staring. Back to the staring. We're doing that again.

He made love to me. Soft, gentle, love making on the couch. His face even more beautiful by candlelight. He said over and over how much he loved me. How he wanted to marry me. How he wanted to be with me forever. PLease just be with him and love him and let him love me.

Drop dead romantic.

This morning we sat on the deck and ate breakfast. He played guitar. He sang. I was transfixed, then became drained. He's so emotional when he sings that it makes the listener emotional as well. He loses himself in his music. In the words. He gets SO into his playing. It's sexy. It's shocking. It's revealing. It's Rabbit as his most vulnerable.

He didn't need to make love to me again. He did so with his music.

My First Nooner

Now that the kids are settled happily into school it was time to make one of my fantasies come true. I wanted a Nooner and I wanted it with the Rabbit.

I had the total spoiled housewife experience. Went to the gym and worked out with my gorgeous young trainer. Came home and would have liked to have more time to get ready at leisurely pace, but this lady likes to sleep in just a bit. Hence, a later appointment with the trainer and less time to get pretty before Noon.

I managed to quickly pull together what I thought was the perfect spoiled housewife look. I wore purple lace lingerie, spiked rhinestone high heels with matching earrings, and a long deep blue silk robe. I piled my hair on top of my head, carefully applied makeup, and softly dusted my body with edible vanilla powder.


The Rabbit arrived on time. I attempted to glide down the stairs to meet him, but have you ever tried to go down stairs in six inch heels? It's more like sideways clomping. I opened the door and Rabbit's eyes traveled up and down my body. He grabbed my arms and pinned them over my head as he slammed be backwards against the door. "You are beautiful,' he growled into my ear. He kissed me. Hard. He pulled back and stared at me some more. "So fucking beautiful."

Good start, Rabbit!!

I showed him the decorating I have been doing. It's his place a few days a week and I want him to be proud of what his borrowed housewife does for him and Mari. He approved. He pulled me into his arms and told me how much he loves me and our family.

We went upstairs. Rabbit sat on the bed and gave me his trademark sex eyes. "May I go down on you?" he asked. I nodded and climbed onto the bed, leaving my shoes on. Rabbit loves "shoe fucking" as he calls it.

That man has some oral skills. I've never let him use them. I've always been so hot to get that anaconda cock inside of me. Lately I've let him devour me, savoring every lick. It seems Rabbit savors every lick as well. "It's one of my favorite things to do, he confessed. "I love it so much. I love how you taste. "

Rabbit then slid that monster cock inside of me. I always gasp when he does. It's fits perfectly inside of me. When he fucks me he looks in my eyes and tells me how much he loves me. How beautiful I am. How he doesn't want to be without me.

It's romantic. I swoon. He says, "Swooning is one of your fetishes."

It is now.

We cuddled together in bed, listening to Frank Sinatra and telling each other over and over how much we love one another. I thought it was going to be a frantic sex romp. It ended up being one of the most romantic afternoons I've experienced.

More please, Rabbit!

Is There Room In Your Life For One More Breakdown?

Hey guess what. The Rabbit and I had another fight. Who's shocked? Let's see a show of hands. Anyone? Anyone? Should I say Bueller Bueller now?

We're so fucking predictable. We can only go a few days without seeing each other before all hell breaks loose in our heads. We fell into playa mode. Treated each other like budz. With a Z. The wrong thing was said. Kapow! Another explosion.

This one was the most epic battle yet and began outside my fav tattoo shop. Cute neighborhood. Shining blinding sun, even with sunglasses. Heat frying the parts of my new tattoo that were peeking out from under the bandages. Throbbing pain in my arm. Throbbing pain in my head. Throbbing pain in my ass. Why am I in this relationship??

The Rabbit had come to the shop to hold my hand during some painful work being done on my sleeve. We had started clashing the night before but he agreed to come sit with me and then we'd deal with our issues later. We were fine during the appointment until I casually brought up that I was going out to the bars Sunday night. Rabbit's face clouded. I saw it happen. It made me feel good. Was the Rabbit actually JEALOUS? Then I felt awful. Why did it make me feel so good to make him feel so bad?

From the sidewalk to the walk to the car to the drive home, we battled. We sat in his car on my street and were both in tears. WHAT THE FUCK? What is wrong with us and why can't we make this work? It's so good when we're together. Why do we let things go to hell when we're apart?

And there it was. THe Rabbit made a confession. A revealing, emotional confession that made everything so clear. Something he was doing. Something I was doing. Both of us doing same wrong thing to each other. The details are too personal to post here, but it made me look at him completely differently.

I started to like him.

Oh, I love my Bunny. I love all of his sides. But I wasn't sure if I liked most of them. I know that sounds kooky but consider the source.

He said he wanted to come in. He didn't want to be away from me. He came in. He played with the kids. I made dinner. Mari then headed out to a function. Rabbit and I had a dessert picnic on the floor with the kids. We tucked them in. He kissed them goodnight. I melted. He's so good with them.They adore him. He told me he wants to be there as they grow up. Oh Bunny.

This has such amazing potential if only he and I could get over ourselves long enough to make it work.

Alice stars in an almost Arrested Development

Whew! Another journal entry written on only 3 hours of sleep. Don't expect perfect writing. You shouldn't expect that from me anyway. Lower the expectations, darling. Less chance of disappointment.

As I've said before, the White Rabbit and I do not have normal dates. Never. Not one. We get together and all hell breaks loose.

Last night was our date night. I have to giggle because that sounds so cute. Date night! Hand holding while we watch the sun set. Naming stars after each other. Smoochie poopie widdle doodle.

Our idea of romance is deciding where he's going to cum on me.

Actually, the WR is quite the romantic. It's twisted romance that only a freak like me could appreciate. Like last night. Our date night was about him being in charge of my mind and my body.

I arrived at his place feeling prickly due to a bitchy mood. I walked in and WR seemed distracted. I was distracted. We were not connecting at all. We were like our old selves and the less we clicked, the more we both pulled away. We really have to watch that. We need to greet one another and connect. Even tho we are cool now, there will always be worries on both sides of that player VS player mentality.

I demanded that we shut up and fuck. He said no. Later. I said yes. Now. I got my way. Within moments we were in the same head space and clicking again. It doesn't hurt that we have mind altering sex. Maybe that's the solution. If we get pissy with each other, take off your damn pants and let's fuck the attitude away.

He told me to collect myself because we were going out. What? I thought we were staying in... but THAT is WR. He loves to plan elaborate surprises for me.

Phase 1 was planned to throw me off. We arrived at a bar and ordered drinks. A cute little tattooed blonde approached, smiling. My first thought was, "Oh shit. She knows me and I can't remember her... ack!" She introduced herself and sat down and smiled at WR. Oh? OH... OH! Did WR set up a THREESOME????

I wasn't sure what to think. At times it seemed like yes, we were going to take this girl home. And other times.. no... I was totally thrown off. Later WR said that was the point. He planned it that way. He set it up for that girl to be there, to hang with us, and for me to think the entire time it would end in a three way.

After chatting and flirting with her, WR told me to finish my drink, we were heading to our next destination. She blew me a kiss and he and he and I walked out. At this point I still didn't know what was happening but assumed, ok, so not a threesome??

I got into his car and he blindfolded me. He was in full White Rabbit mode. Totally in charge. Barking orders. Being a little meanie. I expected to hear the back door of his car open and for the cute blonde to hop in. Nope. Didn't happen. Hmm.. where was he taking me???

He was blasting Marilyn Manson and the song totally fit the moment. Did WR plan that, too? Wouldn't surprise me. We got to our destination and he commanded me to stay put. He'd help me out of the car. Good because I was in sky high heels and blindfolded. He took me by the hand and talked me through each step. We went up steps. I heard his head hit a wind chime. A wind chime? Yeah we weren't going to his place. Where were we??

I heard a door open and smelled that musty, closed up house smell. I heard laughter. He talked me up a flight of stairs. Once I reached the top he walked behind me and shoved me down hard onto the floor. Dirty hardwood. Yet I felt a breeze. I heard voices. More laughter. Were we going to be watched?? Were we at the cute blonde's place?

I felt him shoving his cock into my mouth and commanding me to suck him. The voices grew louder. I heard cars. Horns. As if we were outside. On a balcony??? I hesitated. What had he gotten me into?

WR sensed I was uncomfortable and removed my blindfold. I blinked and looked around.

The rest of this moment can't be told, my darlings. Let's just say we were somewhere we shouldn't have been. Let's just say there was some non vanilla action that occurred. WR then stopped the action and told me to get dressed, as we had another stop to make. His place? Nope. Ok... WHAT NOW?

Then we were surrounded by police.

That was not part of WR's plan.

Thankfully the story had a peaceful ending. We were questioned and let go. WR and I immediately ended the "Surprise the Sub Adventure." Where can you go from almost getting arrested?? We went back to his place and crawled into bed and held one another. We laughed. WHAT THE HELL??? ANd laughed some more. That is, until I discovered a freaky ass insect on his wall unlike any we had ever seen. Even WR's house bugs are over the top.

I got home at 3am and woke up Mari and told him the tale. He listened, wide eyed. He hugged me and said he was thankful he didn't have to bail his lovers out of jail. I told him we need him. We need him to keep us on planet earth. WR and I trouble.

I'd like to have a normal date with WR just to see if we can pull it off. Maybe a movie night. Popcorn. Cheap beer. But knowing us, we'd start the movie and a tornado would hit the house.

Lovestoned

He promises fairy tales. He says he will make them come true. He says I am his Queen.

I'll give you one guess as to whom I writing about.

The White Rabbit and I had our State of the Relationship last night. His place. Should have gone someplace neutral. Should have worn a shirt that didn't show off the boobage. Should have talked in the living room. Should have put a bag over his head so I couldn't be hypnotized by his fuck me eyes.

It was awfully hard to concentrate with that incredibly sexy man sitting across from me on his bed. That low to the floor, creaky bed that's seen way too much action. It's lined with pillows. Covered in high quality sheets. Last night they matched his shirt. There's a fat gray cat that wanders between us. I stroke the cat. I want to stroke the Rabbit.

State of the relationship. Must concentrate.

The White Rabbit stares at me. His eyes wander down to my chest. I talk. His eyes fill with lust. He reaches for me. I resist. For a second. I want to give in. I want him inside. I want to fuck our problems away.

No.

I pulled back. This time just physically. I opened up emotionally. It wasn't easy. I came over with my walls up. Feeling distant and removed. He went first. He opened up to me. He was Real. My walls started to come down. I reached for him. Oh how I want to get lost in this man.

No.

I moved to the edge of the bed. I can't break his spell. I look at him and time stops. Angels sing. Fabio stands in the room in a white fluffy shirt with his hair blowing back in the breeze. It's paperback romance heaving chests and throbbing member page turners. This is a relationship that must continue. Player egos be damned!

We negotiated. We set rules. Boundaries. We did exactly what I had hoped we would do. It's not going to be perfect. We will fuck up. We will have more epic battles. Legendary make up sex. Dates that demand to be written about. Love. So so so much love.

The most impressive thing about our night was experiencing the immediate results of our discussion. We were able to discuss our Others without jealousy. I got details about the Shinies he is pursuing. I didn't flinch. It didn't disturb me. Maybe because I felt confident about my place in his head and his heart. Awww HOAKY LINE but damn! I've had five hours of sleep and am still love stoned. I just need to get these thoughts out, journal style. "Dear dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. Cuz you're the only one that I know will keep them..."

I felt as if we were finally working as a team. He and I working for the greater good of us is pretty fucking powerful. When we're on OUR side, we are the kind of couple that gets featured in movies starring impossibly gorgeous people making way too much money to pretend to be someone else.

NO one will have what we have because it's based on OUR chemistry when together. Yes, he will connect with other girls. I will be ga ga over other boys. But no one else will experience what we have when together because it's ours. Uniquely ours based on what happens when we connect. THAT is what I must remember on the days I don't see him and he's seeing someone else. THAT is one of the lessons I must learn about polyamory.

We agreed to work toward something Grand. Something bigger than ourselves. Something long term and legendary. Oh his words. So over the top. So beautiful. No one has ever spoken to me like he does. It's why I have a hard time believing this is real. Pretty boys. Pretty lies. Please let them be true. Please let him be real.

The moon lights up the street. The fireflies play chase around the bushes. The leaves rustle in the breeze. The crickets chirp. It's for us. A beautiful world we barely notice as we stand in the middle of the street and stare at each other. He holds me. He doesn't let go. I breathe him in. I don't want to breathe him out. I lace my fingers through his curls. He speaks into my ear. Says I am his. He is mine. We are one.

I went looking for adventure. I found the White Rabbit. Oh I'm getting my adventures. And then some.

Fuck Bunny

I am going to have make-up sex with the White Rabbit.

Fiery, explosive, clawing, pinned down, wrestling around, ANGRY/LOVING make up sex with the Rabbit.

Oh yeah, we had another "dispute." We fight like we fuck. We fuck like we fight.

We're all better now via emails and texts. Haven't spoken to him yet. Haven't seen him in person. I think when I do someone is going to get hurt. As in physically hurt. Probably both of us. We'll end up in the ER from make-up sex injuries.

He's a brat.

So am I.

I wish he wasn't so shiny.

Sundae Bar

The White Rabbit and I had a relationship changing weekend. As I said to him, the switch was flipped all the way to the ON position. He replied, "You're such a fucking writer."

I love when he says that.

Did it happen when we slept together for the first time? I mean sleep. Zzz. Sawing logs. That expression makes me giggle. I used to think it meant pooping. I can't write it without giggling like a 12 year old. Poop! I'm a child!!!

3am and we fell asleep together. Quite unusual for me. I've never slept with a boyfriend. I have hard core sleep issues. I just can't relax enough to fall asleep with anyone but Mari, my husband. I WANTED him next to me. I asked him to stay. To sleep. He nodded and said, "Yes." Then his eyes looked into mine.My heart pounded. This man. Oh this man...

I woke up at 5am and we were face to face. I opened my eyes. He opened his. We both smiled. We fell back to sleep. How did we both do that at the same time? I have puny eyelashes. They don't send out a cool breeze when I blink.

8am. We did it again.

930am. Again. This time we laughed. He took me into his arms and whispered, "I love you. I love you so fucking much." We held each other tightly. He rolled on top of me and slid inside. "I cannot get enough of you. I'm so fucking in love with you."

And THAT, my friends, is the White Rabbit. INTO IT. Always. Always at 100 percent. His attention. His focus. His adoration. He doesn't go long without telling you how beautiful you are. He stares. Up and down. He devours. He teases. He's bratty. He's loving. He treats you like you are the only woman who exists.

He's good.

But so am I.

I know what we have is special. I know he knows it as well. But we both know who we are. We both know we're addicted to the rush of a new relationship. Who knows- maybe WR is like that with all of his ladies. Right now, I don't care. If he's in love with me when I'm in front of him, so be it. At least I get to experience that rush with him.

At least that is how I thought when we said goodbye on Sunday morning. I can do this. I can handle being bright and shiny when I'm in front of him. I can handle his Others. I can handle the thought of him having Others. Because when we are together, he's only focused on me.

Then our dynamic shifted.

WR was moved by our weekend as well. When we saw each other again it was even more intense. Even more surreal. Neither of us knew what to say. We tripped over our words. We said idiotic things. We were both nervous. So funny coming from such players. Two pros meeting their match and finding themselves totally disarmed. Bright and Shiny- meet Bright and Shiny. Have fun going blind.

Last night I went to his place. I dressed for sex. He greeted me in our courtyard, the scene of most of our relationship changing moments, and his eyes went wide with desire. There it is again. That appreciation. That adoration. Making me feel like the sexiest woman, not only in his world, but the entire world.

We went upstairs and to his room. On his bedside stand was a canister of chocolate icing, whip cream, Nutella, honey, and chocolate syrup. There was also a brand new shower curtain.

We ended up getting ridiculously high. We spread out the shower curtain and he started with the whip cream. He sprayed some on me and I grabbed it from his hand and emptied a ton into my mouth. He got on top of me and leaned down and ate it out of my mouth. He sprayed more and his mouth crushed mine. Biting. Licking. Teasing. He leaned back and emptied the entire canister of whip cream up and down my body and rubbed it in. Then he opened the honey. He drizzled it everywhere. THen came the chocolate syrup. Everywhere.

I sat up as he reached for the Nutella. I was able to grab a huge scoop in my hands and rub it in his curly hair and on his face. He grinned as he coated my back in Nutella. We slid up and down each others bodies, giggling, moaning, and giggling some more.

WR opened the icing. I scooped out a huge handful and shoved it into his mouth. Then I rubbed more onto his cock and sucked him. I looked up and smiled, "That's what you call a 700 calorie blow job."

He pushed me back and we kissed and kissed and kissed. We were brown. Sticky. We smelled like Dairy Queen. We didn't care.

We started to get uncomfortable and realized we needed to shower. We went into his white bathroom with the white cotton shower curtain. See where I'm going with this? We were brown and sticky in a white bathroom. Soon the bathroom was as well.

I kept laughing. So high, so in love, so happy. We showered each other off. Soaped each other up. Washed our hair. Held onto one another under the water.

WR left the bathroom to write a note to his roommate. "It's chocolate. Not poop. I'll clean it up in the morning." He hung it up over a chocolate hand print. I took a picture, laughing so hard that I knew his roomie would wake up. THen I walked back into the bedroom and doubled over with laughter again when I saw the bed. The shower curtain that was supposed to protect the bed? Didn't work. And why didn't we remove all the velvet pillows beforehand?

WR stripped the bed. There was a lone dryer sheet resting on the mattress. He picked it up and then put it back down on the mattress. I began laughing again. "What, are you laughing at my dyer sheet?" More laughter. It was just so absurd. We are absurd. It's so much fun. And my GOD he is so damn cute. And hot. Sexy. He is over the top sexy.

The rest of the night we made love on his stripped bed. We were mad crazy for one another. Saying mad crazy things. Talking of forever. Saying things teenagers say when caught up in the moment.

That's my relationship with WR. Moments. Memorable, over the top, amazing, mad crazy moments.

I am choosing now to enjoy, rather than question. I am going to focus on those moments, the moment I am in with him, rather than dread how it will end. Passionate relationships can burn out as quickly as they caught on fire. I don't see that happening anytime soon. There is much for WR and I do to. Much to explore.

I am also a realist. I go into this knowing who we are and what we are capable of giving. And taking.

This is just the beginning??? It's going to get verrrrry interesting...

About Last Night- Mr. And Mrs. Smith

The White Rabbit and I went to see a rockabilly band. Had some drinks. Couldn't keep our hands off one another. We have chemistry, what can I say? I just did. We have chemistry. Enough said!

We went back to his place and this is where it got weird. I expect it to get weird with WR. These aren't regular dates, as I've mentioned before. We started slipping into doubt mode. We started looking at each other as the enemy.

It reminded me of the scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when they come together after thinking each other is the enemy and must be killed. A physical fight breaks out. The fight turns into passionate sex.

That's just what happened.

There was a verbal exchange. A calm one. But one that was filled with doubt. That conversation lead to pulling each other close. Pulling each other close lead to making out. And making out lead to...

Some of the roughest, most violent, angry sex of our lives.

We pretty much beat the crap out of each other. Flesh was torn and bruised.We were knocked around. Slapped around. Held down. Hair pulled. Choked. Horrible sexy things were said to one another. The fucking was deep and hard and violent.

It. Was. Amazing.

After we held each other close, whispering how much we loved one another. That we had to make this work. That we had to trust. We have to put all the crap from the past aside and just MAKE THIS FUCKING WORK!!!

I spent the next day with WR. I usually need a day to recover but we found ourselves back together again. We spent the day becoming friends. We talked. We talked all damn day. We opened up. We confessed. We shared our stories. Our dreams. Our faults. Our fears.

I've always been infatuated with the White Rabbit. Perhaps even a bit obsessed with him. I still am. But now I like him.

He is no longer the enemy. He is now my friend.

This is going to work!

The White Rabbit- futher down the rabbit hole, Alice

The White Rabbit is scaring the crap out of me.

I want him.

And I'm not sure what to do with that.

Sometimes I want to smack him across the face and leave his apartment in a dramatic huff and never return! Never return I say!!

Instead I lounge naked across his fluffy pillow covered bed, falling head over heels for him.

I don't breathe the entire time I'm in his presence. It's only after I'm on the drive home that I finally realize I need oxygen to exist. I don't know how I stay alive around him. I don't dare breathe. I don't even blink. I can't even move.

He hypnotizes me.

It's those eyes! The stare! And the fact that he's sooo incredibly sexy. His huge blue eyes that have no end. The way he pushes his long curly hair out of his face. Sometimes he twirls a curl around his finger as he's thinking. I want to nibble him when he does that. Or how about the way he leans back on his bed and his shirt rides up exposing his abdomen. I actually took a picture of that. He looks right out of a magazine in that shot. There's no way someone can be that sexy.

There are just some people in this world who have It. White Rabbit has It. And Then Some.

I need a day to recover after seeing him. I wake up and wonder if it was real. Did that happen? Did I just experience that? Did he? Is he feeling the same way I am right now?

Last night was so intense I don't even want to write about the details. I can't. When I close my eyes all I see is the flicker of candlelight over his face. When I try feel all that's felt is his racing heart against mine. When I try to listen all I hear are the words he spoke last night that caught me off guard and made tears fall down my face.

This is going to be the most overwhelming relationship of my life.

Going to be? It already is.

The White Rabbit

He looks at me like he wants to kill me or fuck me. Or maybe kill me while he's fucking me.

He's The White Rabbit. He 28. He's a musician. He makes me swoon.

I named him The White Rabbit because he said he wants to take me down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. I'm Alice and I followed him like a curious little girl who should know better, but can't help myself.

He's not crazy. He's not out there. He's the kind of guy I'd notice at a coffee shop and think was attractive but would pass him by, thinking he wouldn't be into me. He looks like the type that would be with the understated girls. The girls who dress down, who aren't stunning, yet have something about them that makes you take a second look. The well read girls. The smart ones.

Certainly not a frou frou ditzoid like myself.

WR is absolutely fascinated by my over the top look. How the polka dots on my mails match the toes match the bag match the shoes. How the red in the hair flower matches the bra matches the bow on the stockings. He calls me his pin up bombshell. He likes showing me off.

I always giggled at the term, "oozes sexuality." I don't like to think of sex and things that ooze. That's not a good image. WR is walking, talking sex. He's quiet. He's thoughtful. He's super confident, but not douchey. The sex is in his gaze. The way he carries himself. The way he speaks. It's careful, yet it's unpredictable. It's dangerous. It's comforting.

I know little about him, yet I know him. I can read him. He can read me. We spend long moments staring into each others eyes. Or just staring at each other. Letting our eyes wander up and down and take it allll in.

We've been out a few times. He's showed me his haunts. Last time I saw him he showed me his apartment. And his bedroom.

He let me in.
I resisted.
Then I gave in.

I'm slightly annoyed by the whole thing. He was supposed to be icing. Whip cream. Candy. Tasty but empty. Fun but meaningless. The guy is now in my head. I want him out. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to want him. But I do.

I cant stop thinking about when he walked me to my car. We were in the courtyard of his apartment complex, which sits above a busy street. Our skin seemed to glow from the full moon above. He kissed me. His hands wandered up my skirt. His fingers dipped into my panties and slid inside of me. It would be obvious to anyone walking by or anyone looking out their window what we were doing. He put his fingers in my mouth and kissed me around his hand. Then he pulled me to him and stroked my hair and whispered, "You are so fucking beautiful. I could easily fall for you."

Then we walked in silence to my car, stopping every few moments to face each other and stare. We confessed we were overwhelmed. Saturated. It was just too much and we needed to be part and be away from each other. AS soon as we said that we were embracing and kissing frantically on the street.

This could get out of hand.

I'm fascinated.