Thinking out loud

New Year's Eve day. Tornado warnings. Downpours. 65 degree weather. St. Louis! Come on, now. Don't be so silly!!

I just got done giving my first born a birthday shopping extravaganza. Or as much as a middle class family on a sensible budget can afford. She and I have such an unusual relationship. A good one, don't get me wrong, but more like sisters than mother/daughter. We had such a good time. I really do love being a mom and I try to balance being the wacky fun mom with being the responsible disciplinarian.

My husband came home early. He's sleeping. He hasn't been sleeping much. He and his girlfriend broke up this week. It was really hard for the two of them to balance their relationship within our dynamic. I asked if there was anything that could be done? Could they just keep it casual then? Start over? Go slower? They went from nice to meet you to committed relationship quickly. Could they try again? I like her. I know it wasn't easy for her to date a married man with children. I just wish there was something that could be done. BUt that's up to them, not me. All I can do is listen when he needs to talk.

A friend asked the other day if my husband and I still had sex. Perhaps because I don't talk about our sex life on the blog. Interesting. I think it's because that's something I want to keep close to me. Look, I don't get it either. These feelings, ideas, moods? I used to question and try to break them down and analyze. Now I just say ok. That's me. I'm quirky. Tra la la!

But yes, we have sex. Really good sex. No complaints whatsoever.

So why need The Rabbit? Why have a boyfriend if I'm so happy with my husband? Rabbit is opposite of my husband in every single way. He's extremely romantic, super cuddly, VERY wild/kinky and into things my husband is not. My husband and I sit and have long talks about every single subject. Rabbit and I have short and wacky conversations about music and we make up characters and speak in strange accents, and dance around the kitchen and act like loons. The Rabbit keeps me young. My husband keeps me balanced.

Don't we wish we could combine people to make one perfect person just for us? Based on our needs? But our needs change as we age. Or as life alters our view. Thankfully my husband and I have been able to age well together. We met as poly. We went into our relationship with it being open. We married under much different rules than most. For him to see me in love with him and another man is not new. It's new as we are now, as 40 year olds. But it's not like 14 years later I said SURPRISE! I want to fuck other guys! Deal with it, sucka!! I know some people look at us and wonder how my husband can stand this. They just don't realize it's how we've always been, with the exception of the period of time when we were having babies.

The Rabbit is now a part of our family. His choice. Our choice. He is also a man who doesn't fit well into traditional dynamics. The ultimate woman for him HAS to be strong. He's moody. He's unpredictable. You have to know when to back off, or when to proceed. When to push. When to let go. I've learned that. I feel him. When I am with him, I feel who he is. I've learned how to be the best girlfriend I can be to him. And he knows it. He recognizes this is one of those once in a lifetime extremely special situations.

So much to say, but I'm dizzy. This weather is messing with my sinuses. Better go rest up before the big NEw Year's celebrations tonight.

So OUT I'm IN

I wrote about our first poly Xmas on the Collection Blog. Please note I am not paid to write here or there. I am attempting to show that alt lifestyles and poly aren't dirty and awful and OH MY GOD THE CHILDREN! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN! Go read and see that THE CHILDREN had the best Christmas evah cuz they are so damn loved.

Oh lordy lordy. I am so out now. So so out with my poly-tastical ways. It's nice. I likey. I am only hidden from my fam and I think they are catching on. I always wonder what do people who don't know really suspect? I found out today!

My gym has fantastic babysitting. The girls who run the childcare are young, energetic, and so caring. They've been to our home. One gave my daughter a bike. The other comes to babysit here on occasion.

We did not tell them about our poly status because at the time we were closeted. They follow me on Facebook, so they learned when I came out. Before that, they wondered. Today I found out they did talk and ask each other questions. "Is Rabbit her... boyfriend??" "No, he's just a good friend of the family."

Then one night my hub and I went to a tattoo convention. We hired one of the childcare girls to watch our children in our home. I was dressed to show my tats and looking kinda pin up. Rabbit was waiting at our place when we got home. I got out of the car and his eyes got wide. He loooooves that look. Tats, piercings, the dark hair, the sexy pin up flirty look. He can't get enough of that. Seriously, if my tats are covered during sex, he asks I uncover. He gets aroused just checking me out. Oh that's not flattering one bit, heh.

We walked into the house and he was obviously checking me out. Then he started to stroke my back. He pulled me to him, hugging me longer than a casual friend would. I quickly sat on the couch and he sat by me and put his arm around me and said, "You look amazing." Our sitter was right there. I was thinking.. ok! Cat is out of the bag! She was cool about it. Hung out for a bit and chatted with us.

Shortly thereafter I came out on Facebook. I worried the childcare girls would be a casualty. Both are religious and trust me, I see nothing wrong with that. I know there are good Christians out there. They are the ones who do good deeds quietly. It's the nut jobs that scream the loudest and act like loons and turn people off to religion. Thankfully both ladies accepted us.

Today at the gym they asked questions about our situation. How does it work? Jealousy? Scheduling? How did you tell the girls? The typical questions. I answered each one honestly and thoroughly. Their reaction? "We've been in your home. You guys are such good parents. I mean, your home is totally normal. You guys are such good people."

Again, why I came out. Why I blog. Why I want to become extremely public. I know there are risks. Trust me, I know this. But I also think I'm the perfect person to put my face out there as a poly representative. We ARE good people. We are pretty damn normal people. We are just living life according to our rules.

Whew, I am tired. Christmas was as it is to most people- tiring! My daughter's Bday was the next day. Another daughter's Bday is NYE. Then MY 40th is the 7th. Much celebrating is left. Hopefully this old gal can keep up!

Is this real life? Is this just fantasy?

Thanks so much for reading this blog! I don't know who is out there. I don't check stats here. I publish the link on Twitter and on my Collection blog. I know some people I am friends with come here occasionally. Otherwise, I write this completely 100 percent for me. As someone who has blogged almost all of her adult life, I have a good idea how this works. I'm a stats whore. I know my demographic. I study stats and sometimes tailor posts for my readers to give them what they crave. This blog? Nope. Me. All mine. Therapy.

HOWEVER- Confession- I love that you are reading this. I am an exhibitionist and altho this IS for me, I get off on the fact that you are here and come back for more. Purrr and MEOW to you!

SO you read that the other night the young boy toy (boyfriend whom I love but we both get excited by calling him a boy toy) had a let's pretend we're married night. If the married couple are a bunch of cum whores. I say that with complete respect for cum whores. Cum whores need love, too. Shouldn't everyone be a cum whore? Who doesn't love a big ol throbbing orgasm?

(Thought. Someone from my online world asked if I talk the way I write. If we hung out and had coffee, would I tell stories in person the way I do here on the blog? I replied, "Fucking take me out for coffee and find out, foo!" Guess they got their answer. I am socially appropriate. A lady when required. A freak when not. Raunch with class and humor. Does anyone wonder why I adore the legendary Mae West so much? If you don't know her, GOOGLE!!)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so back to my original (?) train of thought? My trains of thought are always derailing. We had the married night that ended with violent sex. Then Rabbit switched it up and had me to his place for a typical date a young bachelor night. Video games, takeout, and makeout. It ended in bed, of course. We always end up with him inside one part of me or another.

I've talked to Rabbit's former lovers. He's consistently good with the sexin. All the ladies look back on their lovin fondly. Maybe not so much in how he handled their relationships. But the sex? Let's just say each one got a faraway look in her eyes, then closed them, then sighed, and did a little squirm and replied, "Oh yeah he's good. VERY good."



Know what I find so very cool? His mom is proud of that fact. She gave him a how to make love book when he was younger. She wanted her son to know how to please a woman. Now THAT is a mom! I've told her how he makes me swoon in the sheets. Any ladies reading this and laughing as you picture telling your MIL or boyfriend's mother that he makes you see stars during sex? She's an awesome mama.

So another dizzying night with The Rabbit. Just when I think we're done and he's ready to pass out, he will grab me and demand more. The whole time he is looking me deep in the eyes and telling me I am all his. That he's mine. That he can't live without me. The Rabbit doesn't go long (even when not having sex) without telling me he loves me. He wakes up in the middle of the night and will pull me to him and tell me he loves me. He is always holding me, hugging me, nuzzling me, whispering to me, texting me, emailing me, FB messaging me that he loves me. He is a cuddle slut. He likes to curl up in my arms or hold me and tell me how happy he is because we are together.

I knew, I said, I FELT that this would be the most intense relationship of my life. I really care about him. So so much. No matter what happens to us, I will always look back on this time with amazement that I found someone who just as over the top passionate, dramatic, romantic, and sexual as I am. No matter what happens to us as partners and lovers, we will always remain friends. I really care about that man so very much.

What a great way to end the last year of my Dirty 30s!

Mrs. Rabbit

Oh look. Another post about sex. Or if you are someone who doesn't like sex, don't look. Or maybe just look within to find out what the hell is wrong with you!

Saturday night, The Rabbit and I had the place to ourselves. Kids were off with Dad at Nora's house for the night. The RAbbit thought it would be fun to cook a meal and bake dessert. I thought it would be fun to do so dressed as a 50s pinup, complete with frilly apron. THe Rabbit was impressed. He's into my tattoos and thought they looked hot juxtaposed against the innocence of the 50s housewife look and couldn't keep his hands off me as I attempted to cook.

I told him it was ok. We were having a fantasy night. We could pretend we were newlyweds and be over the top romantic and then fuck all night. He called me Mrs. (His last name) and told me what an amazing wife I was. We got into character, him being the in charge husband and me being the submissive and sweet life.

Rabbit got turned on and demanded I take off my pants. He then leaned me over the stove, grabbed a spatula, and began spanking me. That revved him up even more, and he demanded I get on top of the stove and sprawl out so he could feast on me as an appetizer. The Rabbit has incredible oral skills. Actually, he's skilled at Anything Sexual.

A buzzer dinged. Ingredients needed to be added. Items needed to be taken out of the oven and other dishes put in. THe Rabbit watched as I tried to cook, my mind and body way too distracted and wanting more. He grabbed my hand and took me into the sitting room, which was lit by red Christmas lights. Red light, red couches. QUite the sexy scene. He once again demanded I spread my legs for him and lean back and just enjoy.

I don't know how much time passed. I left my body a few times. Unreal. Un-freakin-real. He'd stop, check on the oven, come back and get back to work. It was pure bliss.

We eventually paused long enough to enjoy our cooking, and the meal was surprisingly tasty, considering we were pretty half assed with the preparation. He started back in on me as his wife, saying what a good cook his wife was and how I take such great care of him. We began kissing, with him telling me how much he loved me and didn't want to be without me. That got us both going again, of course.

We raced upstairs to continue in the bedroom. The Rabbit was once again fired up as he pushed me back onto the bed, clamped his hand over my mouth, tore off my clothes and fucked me hard. "You are mine!" he hissed into my ear. He grabbed a fist full of hair and tugged hard and said through clenched teeth, "I love how I can take you whenever I want you." He slammed into me, biting my ear, then clamping his hand over my mouth again. "Shhhh," he warned, "I don't want anyone to hear us."

Considering we were all alone, that statement was extremely over the top sexy to me. Rabbit was off in another fantasy. He was taking me whether I wanted him or not. That added an extra oomph to an already charged situation. I began to play struggle from his grasp. Writhing, Moaning no no no no no please stop. Which made Rabbit hold me down and fuck me harder. He was so crazy turned on and moved his hand from my mouth so he could hear me moaning. After a moment he then pulled me into his arms and held me and rocked me, telling me how much he loved me and that I was safe.

We listened to music, staring into each others eyes and just saying we loved one another over and over again. I wanted over the top, I got over the top. We'd pause a moment to be googley eyed and in love, start kissing, and end up fucking.

"You are the most insatiable woman I've ever known," he said in awe. I smiled and stroked his curls and replied, "So are you." We both stared a moment before busting up laughing. "Yes,' he said with mock seriousness, "I am an insatiable woman."

I then tried to climb over him to get to the other side of the bed. He grabbed me and pulled me down on his once again hard cock. The boy can go go go go go go. I tried to protest, but Rabbit held me down on top of him by my shoulders. "Oh no you don't. I can fuck you whenever I want."

Yes Rabbit, you fucking brat, yes you can. And he did. And we did. For six hours straight. Another hot night we can add to a memory book overflowing with hot nights.

Afternoon Delight With The Rabbit

A SEX POST! ABOUT SEX! So if you know The Rabbit in person and a play by play post about his quivering naughty bits freaks you out, well perhaps this isn't the right blog post for you at this time. Considered yourself warned, Friends and loved ones!! Charlotte is dishing some dirt. With Rabbit's permission, mind you. I don't fuck and tell without permission.

Rabbit and I are at that cozy stage AND it's freaking freezing in St. Louis right now. We pitter patter about the apartment in our fuzzy robes and wooly socks. We have a little routine. We make coffee. We make our breakfast wraps. Peanut butter, chocolate chip and bacon rolled up in a wheat wrap. He reads the news on his phone. I wander upstairs and take care of Collection Blog business or answer client emails. So relationship-y. It's nice.

But today I wasn't feeling the house frau vibe. I showered, got made up, and slipped into a take on the naughty school girl look. I have a nightie that I found in the teen section of a generic discount store. It looks like something a high school slut would wear to seduce her teacher. I added frilly black unders and high heels that tie with little black bows. Donned a red robe and sauntered in to present myself to my man.

The Rabbit, being the Rabbit, noticed and appreciated at full attention. Rabbit also being Rabbit was not going to let me take charge. Not this time. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bedroom. He then grabbed the back of my hair, tugged, and pushed me down onto the bed, where he discovered the frilly panties. "You're wearing panties, you cunt!" he growled. "Now pull them to the side so I can fuck you."

And he did. While stopping to smack my ass or pull my hair or say in his deep seductive voice that I'm his. All his.

I'm a person who is in charge of everything. Overscheduled and totally in control. Sometimes girls like me like to be taken over. Told what to do. How to act. How to come.

It ended with Rabbit flipping me over, covering my mouth with one hand and yanking my hair with the other. Both of us writhing and moaning and clawing and biting and coming.

Now THAT is how you break the cozy couple cycle. Not that I mind being cozy. This girl needs a little variety!

After we cuddled together, him stroking my hair and telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and adores me. Swoon. THen he said he wanted to shower and tried to get up.

This girl likes variety AND this girl likes more more more more more. I pulled him back down to me. He said, "Is my baby still horny? What am I saying? Of course she is. She's my insatiable little slut." Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Got him??? Will he stay? Can I convince him to go for round two?

This time I pinned Rabbit down. I started whispering in his ear about a certain someone we know. A fantasy scenario involving a mutual friend and a night of decadence that would start at our favorite bar and end at his place.

That did it. Got him! Rabbit was mine! He demanded I ride him and give him play by play details. He chimed in with his own ideas. It was hot. So crazy hot that only moments later, we were both crying out and looking stunned at the same time. Round two. That quickly after round one. And... damn!! A satisfying finish!! The crowd goes wild with applause!!!

So... who was the friend in the fantasy?

I'll leave that up to your imagination.

Diaper Man!

I went to Target for the first time evah with The Rabbit.

Whoop De Shit. Is that what you're thinking?

Wait. Hear me out. We're totally farking in love and we've never been to Target? Or Walmart? Or the grocery store? Have we? Thinking... thinking...

Nope. Weird. Very weird.

On second thought, perhaps we should never go there together again.

The Rabbit has a character called Diaper Man. Diaper Man was created on OK Cupid as a joke profile. It featured an adult male in a diaper who looked pretty dazed. Just google Diaper Man and you'll find him. He's one of the first pics listed.

Diaper man soon found a voice. And isms. Example- NO FREAKY STUFF! JUST DIAPERS! Diaper Man also fancies items placed in his diapers. Like cheeseburgers. There's even a song.

Rabbit and I would stay up late and record Diaper Man rambling on and then text the recordings to our friends. One time we did it from my husband's phone. My husband changed his password.

Diaper Man has been absent for a few weeks, much to my disappointment. Nothing will make me laugh harder than him. I beg and beg, but Rabbit says no. Diaper Man is at a convention. A sci fi convention? So he thought. But he ended up at the adult baby convention on accident and he only packed his sci fi costumes and he's REALLY angry about that.

Then today, Diaper Man showed up at Target.

We were in the baking goods section. It was crowded with people buying their holiday cookie stuffs when Diaper Man began to shout, "DRIED FRUIT! DRIED FRUIT! I LOVE DRIED FRUIT!!!"

The voice sounds like a man who is a bit... slow.... Heads turned. Then people quickly looked away so they didn't appear to be staring at the mentally slow man. Which happened to be The Rabbit. Who looks like (according to my friends) a cross between Eddie Vedder and Johnny Depp.

I quickly escaped that aisle and ended up in the juice section. Diaper Man followed and shouted, "JUICE! JUICE! I LOVE JUICE!!! JUICE IS GOOD!! GIMME JUICE!!!!"

Much of our relationship is spent acting like idiots. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel young and stupid. I need that.

Do I need Diaper Man yelling at the top of his lungs at Target?

Tonight I'll ask how it went at the convention. Friends, check your phones tomorrow morning for audio texts!

Back on the horse, har har har

Point and call me a dorkus. I can't stop saying, "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog."

See, THIS is the problem of not watching television. As in- watching series as they air. We now have streaming Netflix and I am getting caught up on all kinds of shows I missed. I also lurve watching a series at all once, movie style. We are currently tackling Arrested Development and I have never laughed so hard at a TV comedy. The inside jokes. The physical gags. Brilliant.

The downside is that my pop culture references are at least four years out of date.

Eh, it's ok. I'm almost 40. Most of my friends are in their 20s. THey cut me slack for being out of date.

I'm writing this on the day that marks my last month to be in my 30s. I started this blog to chronicle the last year of my Dirty Thirties. I've since taken down most of those posts. They'll be up again in the future. I just don't have the time to re-publish. Honestly, things are moving at too fast of a pace.

Today also marks the day that my vaginal insertion restriction is OVAH! I saw the doc and am Cancer free!! I did learn the cells were more wide-spread that originally thought. Also, more aggressive. As in- I was just a short time away from having full blown Cancer. Luck was on my side. I am truly, truly, grateful.

The thought that I'd leave this planet before my kids...

Let's not go there. I lost my dad when I was a child. I still miss him. STILL. That pain NEVER EVER goes away. I always feel cheated. ALWAYS. I cannot do that to my girls. I know things can't be helped but we CAN get checkups. We can control that. SO GET YOUR PAP, ladies! Get your mammograms! Guys- get all the things you get checked. I don't know which ones. Your parts confuse ladies as much as our parts confuse you.

So of course we had sex! We as in- Rabbit and me!

Doc said go slow. Lubrication, lubrication, lubrication. If you have pain, stop. No slam fucking. He didn't actually say slam fucking. He did say, "Three weeks is a LONG time to go without sex. You probably need relief so just go easy, ok? Next week you can have the deeper penetration sex."

My doc is so damn cool. Oh, I came out to him. He knows we are poly. He knew us before we were practicing poly. Rabbit has come with me to appointments. Rabbit and my husband were there for my surgery. You HAVE to be honest with your medical pros about your sexual status. If they aren't supportive, go elsewhere. You have maintain good sexual health and sometimes that means telling medical people about some of the weird shit you are into. Not that I'm saying poly is weird. Ok, it is to SOME people. But there's multiple partners, so my GYN needed to know.

Funny thing-a nurse is always present because my GYN is male and it's a law she be present??? Whatevs. I was worried her being quiet around me was her being disapproving. Not so. We were alone in the room for a bit today and she asked if I would be offended if she asked me about my situation. How it works, etc. She said, "It's not for me, but I am really in awe of the love I've seen with you and how you guys communicate. Good for you!"

See? Just because it's not YOUR thing, doesn't mean it's a BAD thing. Honestly, once people get to know us and know we are motivated by the greater good of everyone involved, people really do become more accepting of our situation.

Rabbit and I have not had the sexual intercourse in three weeks. We HAVE reaaaally improved our friendship. Our relationship has gone through many changes in six months. From casual players, to insecure freakouts, to being afraid to really open up, to totally opening up and falling hard in love, to a really tight friendship. We took away the sex and focused completely on being buds. Hanging out. Just enjoying being together.

The result is that I want to be Rabbit's friend for life. NO matter what happens. I really really like him and care about what happens to him. I also feel incredibly protective of him. I'm on his side. He's a different kind of person. But so am I. We understand that about each other. There's this fierce protective loyalty that we have now. There's also this intense co-dependence that has formed.

I liken it to an iPhone, notorious for fast battery drainage. We hang out. Then we need our alone time. He goes his way, I go mine. He hangs out at his place. Maybe sees some friends, which he NEEDS TO DO MORE OFTEN! They miss him. He misses them. I am really encouraging him to make time for them more often. AND I want to hang out with them occasionally, too! He has amazing friends. So loyal and so so accepting.

Back to being iPHones. A few hours later, we need recharging and we need it with each other. He comes back over. I run into his arms. He holds me and holds me and holds me. He tells me he loves me over and over. We go upstairs and watch our TV or hang at Flooros (the bathroom) and listen to music.

BUT NOW... now we can HAVE SEX AGAIN!! So we did. And Rabbit was paranoid. "It's like fucking a virgin." Yeah, if porn legend Nina Hartley was a virgin. I don't have half assed sex. What's the point? And today's sex didn't hurt. So we made up for those lost three weeks.

And how about this? It was kind of awkward at first. Like two friends making the transition from just friends to friends with benefits. Weird??? That lasted for a few mins, then we were BACK, babeeee! We were back.

THe Rabbit and I have great sex, no doubt about it.

WOW I rambled. How you doin?