Friday, December 31, 2010

Thinking out loud

New Year's Eve day. Tornado warnings. Downpours. 65 degree weather. St. Louis! Come on, now. Don't be so silly!!

I just got done giving my first born a birthday shopping extravaganza. Or as much as a middle class family on a sensible budget can afford. She and I have such an unusual relationship. A good one, don't get me wrong, but more like sisters than mother/daughter. We had such a good time. I really do love being a mom and I try to balance being the wacky fun mom with being the responsible disciplinarian.

My husband came home early. He's sleeping. He hasn't been sleeping much. He and his girlfriend broke up this week. It was really hard for the two of them to balance their relationship within our dynamic. I asked if there was anything that could be done? Could they just keep it casual then? Start over? Go slower? They went from nice to meet you to committed relationship quickly. Could they try again? I like her. I know it wasn't easy for her to date a married man with children. I just wish there was something that could be done. BUt that's up to them, not me. All I can do is listen when he needs to talk.

A friend asked the other day if my husband and I still had sex. Perhaps because I don't talk about our sex life on the blog. Interesting. I think it's because that's something I want to keep close to me. Look, I don't get it either. These feelings, ideas, moods? I used to question and try to break them down and analyze. Now I just say ok. That's me. I'm quirky. Tra la la!

But yes, we have sex. Really good sex. No complaints whatsoever.

So why need The Rabbit? Why have a boyfriend if I'm so happy with my husband? Rabbit is opposite of my husband in every single way. He's extremely romantic, super cuddly, VERY wild/kinky and into things my husband is not. My husband and I sit and have long talks about every single subject. Rabbit and I have short and wacky conversations about music and we make up characters and speak in strange accents, and dance around the kitchen and act like loons. The Rabbit keeps me young. My husband keeps me balanced.

Don't we wish we could combine people to make one perfect person just for us? Based on our needs? But our needs change as we age. Or as life alters our view. Thankfully my husband and I have been able to age well together. We met as poly. We went into our relationship with it being open. We married under much different rules than most. For him to see me in love with him and another man is not new. It's new as we are now, as 40 year olds. But it's not like 14 years later I said SURPRISE! I want to fuck other guys! Deal with it, sucka!! I know some people look at us and wonder how my husband can stand this. They just don't realize it's how we've always been, with the exception of the period of time when we were having babies.

The Rabbit is now a part of our family. His choice. Our choice. He is also a man who doesn't fit well into traditional dynamics. The ultimate woman for him HAS to be strong. He's moody. He's unpredictable. You have to know when to back off, or when to proceed. When to push. When to let go. I've learned that. I feel him. When I am with him, I feel who he is. I've learned how to be the best girlfriend I can be to him. And he knows it. He recognizes this is one of those once in a lifetime extremely special situations.

So much to say, but I'm dizzy. This weather is messing with my sinuses. Better go rest up before the big NEw Year's celebrations tonight.

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